Angst, Anxiety & the Alchemy of Desire: Why “Nice” Doesn’t Work PART #1
Angst, Anxiety & the Alchemy of Desire: Why “Nice” Doesn’t Work PART #1
The idea that women are attracted to men who generate a degree of angst, anxiety, unpredictability, and tension might seem counterintuitive to those raised on Hollywood's romantic tropes. We’re told women want kindness, stability, and tenderness—flowers, chivalry, love letters, and emotional availability. And yet, the romantic frustration of the “nice guy” continues to repeat itself generation after generation. The reality is more complex—and far more spiritual—than many are willing to admit.
The Friend Zone: A Comfort Trap
To avoid becoming the proverbial “friend,” men must understand that desire and comfort are not the same thing. Emotional comfort does not equal erotic tension. What often ignites desire in a woman is not the safety of virtue but the thrill of uncertainty. She must feel that she is reaching upward or inward toward something just out of her grasp—a mysterious force within the man that she has not yet conquered. When she can predict his every move, the chase dies, and with it, desire.
Chivalry, kindness, and domestic gestures are not inherently unattractive—but they are often unattractive when introduced prematurely. They must be earned, not given without context. Most American women are immersed in a culture of material convenience and relative security. They don’t need a man to protect them from famine, hardship, or wild animals. So what do they need a man for? The answer is spiritual. Psychological. Archetypal.
Women & the God Complex
Just as men exhibit a desire to play “God” through conquest, power, and provision, women often express divinity through transformation. A woman is wired to nurture, to refine, to mold the raw into the refined. This is her symbolic womb—not just biological but spiritual. Her power is revealed when she turns chaos into order, a “beast” into a “man,” or pain into poetry. This is where her virtue becomes visible—not in passivity, but in redemptive influence.
This creates a paradox for virtuous men. If a man already embodies nobility, kindness, integrity, and gentleness—there’s nothing for her to redeem. Nothing to tame. Nothing to save. In that case, the woman who is still governed by the cultural and spiritual distortions of our time may find him…boring. She cannot shine her light on a man who is already shining.
That’s why many women are irresistibly drawn to broken men: rebels, outlaws, or “cads.” It is not simply lust—it’s the deep desire to transform. To take the edge off the outlaw and place the halo on his head. To be the reason he changes. To be the source of his redemption.
The Power of the Flawed Man
When a man projects controlled chaos—when he radiates power without total surrender—he generates just enough emotional instability to keep a woman interested. The flawed man makes a woman feel something. He stirs up both anxiety and hope—an intoxicating combination. She becomes a participant in the alchemical experiment of love, trying to draw gold from his darkness.
This is not mere psychology—it is spiritual warfare. When a woman joins herself to a man she believes she can change, she is attempting to enact her god-given virtue through a counterfeit spiritual ritual. Sex, in this context, is not just pleasure—it is transformation. That’s why it creates anxiety. That’s why women avoid sex with “friends.” Because to have sex with a man who does not require their transforming virtue feels hollow, dangerous, and spiritually unclean.
Why Sex Generates Anxiety
When a man and a woman have sex, the relationship is irreversibly changed. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they have entered into a symbolic spiritual covenant—a merger of masculine power and feminine virtue. The woman, however, feels the anxiety of this more acutely because society has long taught her that sex outside of marriage is a moral failure. Her instinct to protect her virtue wars against her lust, creating deep confusion if the man doesn’t represent a “project.”
The man, by contrast, feels no such guilt. His conquest reaffirms his masculinity. He has taken, he has marked, he has won. But if the woman doesn’t feel like she’s transformed him in the process, she may regret it. This is the root of the age-old paradox where women “friend-zone” good men but sleep with broken ones. It’s not always rational—it's a spiritual instinct twisted by cultural decay.
Hypergamy & the Virtue of the Rebel
Women are hypergamous by nature. They are always seeking the higher—socially, spiritually, physically, or emotionally. They want to ascend through their mate. The problem is, many confuse higher with harder to control. A man who is difficult to pin down—emotionally unavailable, rebellious, even criminal—presents the illusion of height. The woman believes she is ascending because she is reaching. And the more she struggles to reach him, the more she confuses suffering for spiritual growth.
This explains the prison marriages, the attraction to gang members, and the celebration of thuggery in entertainment. These men generate maximum angst. They are in desperate need of redemption. The woman sees herself not as a fool but as a redeemer. But this is a false gospel, a satanic inversion of divine love.
A Cultural Crisis of Femininity
What we are witnessing in modern America—particularly in Black American culture—is not simply bad dating preferences, but a crisis of femininity and fatherlessness. A generation of women, spiritually malnourished and emotionally unprotected, are seeking virtue not from the Father of Lights but from chaotic men they believe they can fix. And in doing so, they become trapped in a cycle of spiritual trauma bonding—repeating the same patterns, never finding peace.
The solution is not for men to become manipulative cads or emotionally distant “bad boys.” But men must understand the female psyche—and her spiritual needs. The right kind of man balances mystery and morality, power and purpose, edge and empathy. He does not need to be a criminal, but he must carry the air of a redeemed rebel. He must give the woman room to reach him, while never allowing himself to be completely possessed. He must create tension—not chaos. Angst—not abuse. He must be a flame—not a forest fire.
Conclusion: Virtue Must Be Earned
Desire is not born of predictability. It is born of tension, movement, and transformation. If a man wishes to avoid the friend zone, he must be more than safe—he must be sovereign. Not reckless, but not tamed. Not cruel, but not soft. Not always available, but always present when it matters.
In this way, the truly virtuous man becomes irresistible—not because he needs to be saved, but because he has already been forged in fire. And the woman who is ready for him will not need to fix him—she will finally recognize that he is not a project, but a partner. Not a boy to be mothered, but a King to be Crowned.
KELVIN L. STUBBLEFIELD IS A GRADUATE OF Middle Tennessee State University IN 1983.
HE IS THE AUTHOR OF “AMERICAN REPROBATE: GOD'S CURSE AND RESTORATION OF THE AFRICAN AMERICAN”. THAT WAS PUBLISHED IN 2012.
HE AND HIS WIFE SANDRIA, CO-FOUNDED “BIGSTUB CREATIONS” IN 2018. We are a vehicle for creativity! Our mission is to encourage individuals to utilize their artistic expression through the performing arts.
He has recently published his second book in November 2023.
STAYING HUMAN: EXAMINING THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN GOD, MAN AND ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE”.
Biblical, Spiritual, and Social Analysis and Solutions to Black Americans and Mainstream AMERICAN Dysgenics, Narcissistic Self Indulgence, and the Current Politics of Self Annihilation. Amidst the dawning of Artificial General intelligence and Trans-Humanity.
YOU CAN PURCHASE HIS PUBLICATIONS OR LEARN ABOUT OUR NEXT PROJECT; YOU CAN VISIT THE FOLLOWING WEBSITES.
https://www.klstubblefield.com/
https://www.bigstubcreations.com/
https://loveintheblack.blogspot.com/
https://lovingmyhumans.blogspot.com
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